No Deposit, No Return or Do You Mind If We Don’t Shake Hands?

Hi, gang! It’s Mrs. Crankipants here to present

TALES FROM THE SUBWAY

The subway can be a convenient way to get around, but every now and then you have to put up with some nonsense –
trash, garbled announcements, late trains, weirdos, the pungent aroma of fermented wino urine and the occasional odd billboard.
I spotted this beauty recently while waiting for the train.

Does the benefits package cover vision?
Which begs the question: Whatever happened to the old-fashioned method of getting hammered and having unprotected sex?

You know that the guys depositing their splooge in that savings and loan don’t even remotely resemble the guy in the ad. (Who by the way, appears vaguely embarrassed in the photograph. It’s probably the only shot where both of his hands weren’t covering his face.)

And how do you really know if they look like their photo? Haven’t we learned enough from dating service ads? With my luck, after nine months of abstaining from that sweet nectar that is Grey Goose, I’d end up pushing out a nine pound Mason Reese. (And for you young bucks out there scratching your heads saying, “What IZ Mason Reese?” Screw you, look it up on Google.)

College educated? Could we be a little more specific here? I’d hate to think that correspondence school counts.
Does one have a choice between an Ivy Leaguer’s swimmers, or are you forced to settle for the baby batter of a community college frat boy wannabe on the six year plan?

How about a history detailing serious mental illnesses that run in the family? And here come the questions! Any window lickers? A step-uncle with a Wayne Newton obsession? Did Memaw swear that there were Japanese soldiers from WWII hiding behind her Rhododendron shrubs? Of course, I’m the first to admit my entire family is nuts, but I’m used to it. I just don’t know if I have the patience for the unknown crazy.

When you get down to brass tacks, and all things being equal, Mrs. Crankipants prefers her man jam as a direct deposit, if you catch my drift….

But don’t get excited, boys, I don’t cotton to non-sufficient funds.

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26 Responses to No Deposit, No Return or Do You Mind If We Don’t Shake Hands?

  1. JT says:

    Of course, I’m the first to admit my entire family is nuts,

    _________________________________________________________

    Only 85% of my family is nuts.

    Nyahhhh-nyahhhhh. 🙂

  2. JT says:

    (And for you young bucks out there scratching your heads saying, What IZ Mason Reese?

    ______________________________________________________

    That’s ME !

  3. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    That’s ME !

    Who are you kidding?
    Like you’ve never seen the Underwood Deviled Ham or the Post Raisin Bran commercials.

    * unwraps Werthers *

  4. JT says:

    And I’m guessing that you’re in the minority!

    ___________________________________________________

    It’s a thin line.

  5. JT says:

    Who are you kidding?
    Like you’ve never seen the Underwood Deviled Ham or the Post Raisin Bran commercials.

    _______________________________________________________

    In adulthood, I haven’t watched a lot of tv.

    Maybe I saw the kid, and maybe I dint.

    But, I swear, I NEVER saw that fat slovenly sumbitch I saw when I googled him.

    * unwraps Werthers *

  6. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    If not for you, I wouldn’t know what a merkin is.

    That was a proud moment for me!

    If you’re going into the merkin business, go with pre-dyed – as in the Smurf or the Elmo.
    Bright colors wil be a big hit! The stew is a great idea!

  7. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    Ya lost me.

    Auntie Em. Auntie EM !

    I was referring to Werther’s Original candies – a favorite of the geriatric set.

  8. JT says:

    I was referring to Werther’s Original candies a favorite of the geriatric set.

    ___________________________________________________

    Oh.

    It pains me to admit this………but I kinda like them.

  9. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    It pains me to admit this but I kinda like them.

    Me too!
    Pull your wheelchair up next to mine at the nursing home JT,
    I’ll share them and my butterscotch pudding with you.

  10. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    And I’m guessing that you’re in the minority!

    * twirls pearls *

  11. JT says:

    Screw you, look it up on Google.)

    _______________________________________________________

    Not at all.

    If not for you, I wouldn’t know what a merkin is.

    And, with all of the squirrels running around my neighborhood, I just KNOW there’s a market there.

    I don’t know how to market it……”dyed on demand”….throw in a container of stew….there’s SOMETHING there.

  12. JT says:

    * unwraps Werthers *

    _____________________________________________________

    Ya lost me.

    Auntie Em. Auntie EM !

  13. JT says:

    Also, if not for you, I wouldn’t know who the Duggars are.

    After you won the caption contest, I was forced to google them.

    And I’m reading……20+ kids……and my FIRST thought was…. WHAT does this guy DO for a living ?

    And as I read further, he attended a seminar from whence he emerged….

    A. A shrewd investor.

    And ………………………….

    B. Highly excitable.

  14. JT says:

    That must’ve been SOME seminar.

    I wonder how come I never get invited to something like that ?

    Maybe I should pick up all the Werther’s wrappers on my lawn.

  15. JT says:

    That’s it ?

    Are we done ?

    Is it past your bedtime ?

    Geriatric set, my Depends.

    Goodnight ,Mrs. C..

    A pleasant weekend to you and yourn.

  16. JT says:

    Oh, WOW.

    Butterscotch pudding is my fave.

  17. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    I wonder how come I never get invited to something like that ?

    He served in the Arkansas House of Representatives and is a real estate agent who owns real estate. I think his real estate holdings are key. You know what they say, real estate – God ain’t making any more of it.

  18. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    That’s it ?

    Are we done ?

    Is it past your bedtime ?

    Geez JT, give a girl a few minutes to mix up a pitcher of martinis, will you!

  19. JT says:

    With 20+ children, I’d say something ELSE is key.

  20. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    With 20+ children, I’d lock him out of my bedroom and hide the key.

  21. JT says:

    Geez JT, give a girl a few minutes to mix up a pitcher of martinis, will you!

    A PITCHER ?

    So, we’re here for the long haul ?

    Ok.

    I put my teeth back in.

    Your turn.

  22. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    Well, it is Friday night after all, and it was 114º here today.
    Do you need your teeth to type?

  23. JT says:

    With 20+ children, I’d lock him out of my bedroom and hide the key.

    ______________________________________________________

    There’s the whole “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” thing in a
    nutshell.

    If I were in that position, I would get a get a restraining order prohibiting his occupying the same continent as I.

  24. Mrs. Crankipants says:

    I shudder to think about how many loads of laundry she does in a day.

  25. JT says:

    Ya don’t think they have a maid ?

    Or a laundress ?

    Or the Coast Guard ? (No matter where they live, without proper supervision, some of those kids are gonna reach the ocean)

    I gotta tell ya, after waking up and greeting 23 people and asking how they were doin’ and what they wanted for breakfast and delivering on their orders , all the time lookin’ over my shoulder to see if a certain sex mainiac returned to my continent, I’d be ready to go back to bed.

  26. Tina says:

    I don’t think so. I’ve read that the children have chores, besides being assigned to minding the younger ones. I can’t imagine turning out that much food at each meal, three times a day every day, as well as the sheer volume of food to have to shop for each week. They’ve got to have more than one fridge. When do they find the time to do the deed?

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