{"id":3390,"date":"2011-07-22T06:51:30","date_gmt":"2011-07-22T11:51:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/?p=3390"},"modified":"2019-11-25T20:10:49","modified_gmt":"2019-11-26T01:10:49","slug":"no-deposit-no-return-or-do-you-mind-if-we-dont-shake-hands","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2011\/07\/22\/no-deposit-no-return-or-do-you-mind-if-we-dont-shake-hands\/","title":{"rendered":"No Deposit, No Return or Do You Mind If We Don’t Shake Hands?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Hi, gang! It’s Mrs. Crankipants<\/strong><\/em> here to present<\/p>\n

TALES FROM THE SUBWAY<\/span><\/strong><\/h1>\n

The subway can be a convenient way to get around, but every now and then you have to put up with some nonsense –
\ntrash, garbled announcements, late trains, weirdos, the pungent aroma of fermented wino urine and the occasional odd billboard.
\nI spotted this beauty recently while waiting for the train.<\/p>\n

\"Does<\/a>
\nWhich begs the question: Whatever happened to the old-fashioned method of getting hammered and having unprotected sex?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

You know that the guys depositing their splooge<\/em> in that savings and loan don’t even remotely resemble the guy in the ad. (Who by the way, appears vaguely embarrassed in the photograph. It’s probably the only shot where both of his hands weren’t covering his face.)<\/p>\n

And how do you really know if they look like their photo? Haven’t we learned enough from dating service ads? With my luck, after nine months of abstaining from that sweet nectar that is Grey Goose, I’d end up pushing out a nine pound Mason Reese.<\/strong><\/em> (And for you young bucks out there scratching your heads saying, “What IZ Mason Reese?” Screw you,<\/strong><\/em> look it up on Google.<\/strong>)<\/p>\n

College educated? Could we be a little more specific here? I’d hate to think that correspondence school counts.
\nDoes one have a choice between an Ivy Leaguer’s swimmers, or are you forced to settle for the baby batter of a community college frat boy wannabe on the six year plan?<\/p>\n

How about a history detailing serious mental illnesses that run in the family? And here come the questions! Any window lickers?<\/em> A step-uncle with a Wayne Newton obsession? Did Memaw<\/em> swear that there were Japanese soldiers from WWII hiding behind her Rhododendron shrubs? Of course, I’m the first to admit my entire family is nuts, but I’m used to it. I just don’t know if I have the patience for the unknown crazy.<\/p>\n

When you get down to brass tacks, and all things being equal, Mrs. Crankipants prefers her man jam as a direct deposit, if you catch my drift….<\/p>\n

But don’t get excited, boys,<\/em> I don’t cotton to non-sufficient funds.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi, gang! It’s Mrs. Crankipants here to present TALES FROM THE SUBWAY The subway can be a convenient way to get around, but every now and then you have to put up with some nonsense – trash, garbled announcements, late … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[77,401],"tags":[359,521,43,3673,522,520],"class_list":["post-3390","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventures-in-commuting","category-mrs-crankipants","tag-ad","tag-billboard","tag-humor","tag-mrs-crankipants","tag-sperm-donor","tag-subway"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1ed1x-SG","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3334,"url":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2011\/07\/17\/incredibly-rare-photo-of-mrs-crankipants\/","url_meta":{"origin":3390,"position":0},"title":"Incredibly Rare Photo of Mrs. Crankipants","author":"Mrs. Crankipants","date":"July 17, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Thanks to tireless investigative work, an incredibly candid and shocking photo of the perpetually camera-shy Mrs. Crankipants has been revealed! According to Mrs. Crankipants: They never had a thing on me, and my record was expunged. Gawd, I miss Chesterfields!","rel":"","context":"In "Blast from the Past"","block_context":{"text":"Blast from the Past","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/category\/blast-from-the-past\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Case of the Homicidal Harlot","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/live.staticflickr.com\/2045\/2362639842_7cd9b11ce1_c.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/live.staticflickr.com\/2045\/2362639842_7cd9b11ce1_c.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/live.staticflickr.com\/2045\/2362639842_7cd9b11ce1_c.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":5798,"url":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2011\/12\/31\/happy-year\/","url_meta":{"origin":3390,"position":1},"title":"Happy New Year!!!","author":"Mrs. Crankipants","date":"December 31, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Happy New Year from Mrs Crankipants and the rest of the Willceau Illo crew!","rel":"","context":"In "Holiday"","block_context":{"text":"Holiday","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/category\/holiday\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Mrs.C-NYE.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Mrs.C-NYE.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Mrs.C-NYE.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":6641,"url":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2012\/02\/14\/valentines-day-mrs-crankipants\/","url_meta":{"origin":3390,"position":2},"title":"Valentine’s Day with Mrs. Crankipants","author":"Mrs. Crankipants","date":"February 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Valentine's Day is all about indulging - I'm hoping to get a heart shaped box of chocolates today. * gives Mr. Crankipants the side eye * No, this delectable creation isn't mine, it's the work of the bakers who brought you the incredible clown themed wedding cake and the unofficial\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Food"","block_context":{"text":"Food","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/category\/food\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/Mrs.Crankipantscupcake.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/Mrs.Crankipantscupcake.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/Mrs.Crankipantscupcake.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":4570,"url":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2011\/10\/08\/night\/","url_meta":{"origin":3390,"position":3},"title":"What I Did Last Night","author":"Mrs. Crankipants","date":"October 8, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"","rel":"","context":"In "Mrs. Crankipants"","block_context":{"text":"Mrs. Crankipants","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/category\/mrs-crankipants\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/10\/GirdleDance-388.gif?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5672,"url":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2011\/12\/25\/merry-christmas-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":3390,"position":4},"title":"Merry Christmas!","author":"Mrs. Crankipants","date":"December 25, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"","rel":"","context":"In "Holiday"","block_context":{"text":"Holiday","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/category\/holiday\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Mrs.CrankipantsMistletoe1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Mrs.CrankipantsMistletoe1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Mrs.CrankipantsMistletoe1.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":3847,"url":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/2011\/08\/28\/mrs-crankipants-ponders-is-that-all-there-is-to-a-hurricane\/","url_meta":{"origin":3390,"position":5},"title":"Mrs. Crankipants Ponders: Is That All There Is To A Hurricane?","author":"Mrs. Crankipants","date":"August 28, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Irene had a wet and wild time rolling through town last night, but she seems sort of demure this AM. Did she do something she regrets? Does she hate herself this morning? Is she like a lot of girls from out of town who show up in the big city\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mrs. Crankipants"","block_context":{"text":"Mrs. Crankipants","link":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/category\/mrs-crankipants\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Mrs. Crankipants Post Hurricane Irene\u00c2\u00ae","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm7.static.flickr.com\/6075\/6089319094_dd59ec3d0e_z.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm7.static.flickr.com\/6075\/6089319094_dd59ec3d0e_z.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/farm7.static.flickr.com\/6075\/6089319094_dd59ec3d0e_z.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3390","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3390"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3390\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3390"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3390"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/willceau.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3390"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}